Black and Blue and Pink All Over
by Mako Streak
Summary: Samus Aran is a tomboy and hates anything remotely feminine. First three male Smashers find her bathing. Then she gets sent to the ICU. To make her feel better, they ask Pink Princess Peach and the girls, What do girls like?
1. Nude underwear model?

_**NOTE: This is an intro. It's not side-splitting hilarious, it's a bit perverted **kicks Aria **and not the funniest chapter. If it bores you, PLEASE go on to the next chapter, which I am uploading as we speak. IF THIS BORES YOU, PLEASE GO TO THE SUPER SHORT SUMMARY AT THE END. **_

_Squee- Intro time! _

_Ah-hem, as you know, this is Mako Streak. This chapter was originally written for Either Way, but I decided to honor it with its own title, partially because it's a whole plot on its own. _

_Basically, the title- Black and Blue, means beat-up, or being beat-up. And pink is silly and feminine..._

_Ech, go figure please!_

**Enjoy!**

* * *

She closed her eyes as the steam rolled over the exposed parts of her body. After particularly painful fights, she would lock herself in her bathroom for hours at a time, just soaking and relaxing in a warm bath. Somehow, it had the effects that nothing else had upon her… For the duration of the bath, she could forget everything just for then, and just allow the tensions of the day to loosen and float away… 

Samus Aran closed her eyes, and for a moment, she wasn't the tough-as-nails, stoic bounty hunter, she was just here… And the week so far didn't seem as dreadful as it had been… The hot water soaked through her skin, sending her off to a state of absolute bliss… She kept her eyes closed and slipped away, lost in the warmth.

_"Hey, check it out, there's an underwear model in the tub!"_

_Voices…_

_"Aw, Falcon, you wish- whoa! You're right! Wow, look at those-"_

Samus stirred. There was the cold breath of outside air in the bathroom now. The door was ajar…

_"I've seen some great ones, but this is by far-"_

_"Better than what Zelda has, definitely a lot better."_

_"Wow, I might actually be interested in humans now-"_

Samus sat bolt upright. "Wha-"

She froze.

Before her, three male creatures stood in the door-

Captain Falcon, Fox McCloud, and hmm, Link, the Hero of Time.

Falcon grinned. "Hello baby, who are you and what are you doing here?" he asked in a suave voice.

Samus yanked a towel off the rack so hard that the metal bar collapsed with a loud clatter against the bathroom tile. Wrapping it around herself, she stepped out of the once-relaxing tub and proceeded to give each intruder a curt, hard slap across the face.

"Hey, no need to be so bitchy about that," Falcon exclaimed in mock-innocence. "Well, just wondering, but who are you and how did you get it? It's not everyday you see a nude underwear model in your own home-"

"I'm Samus," she snapped back scathingly, and in her rage, picked up Link and threw him clear out the door. She put a hand on her hip and glared at the two remaining survivors.

They were shocked. "Holy shit, a hot babe's been with us the whole time, and we thought you were a man-"

She grabbed Falcon by his collar and kicked him 'where it hurts' as hard as she could. He crumpled, and Fox looked severely intimidated.

"What are you waiting for?" she demanded, her face turning red. Anger boiled beneath the surface of her skin, and right now, it was about to blow-

Falcon got up, grabbed the back of Fox's shirt, and ran away as fast as he could.

Samus snapped. She picked up one of the decorative vases that lined the sink and hurled it as hard as she could. There was a crash, and then a resounding cry of pain.

She didn't stop there. She grabbed another vase and threw it after them, hitting its mark. Fox attempted a run for it, but tripped over Falcon, who was lying on the ground, moaning and rubbing his head where the vase had shattered.

Samus threw another vase.

* * *

Master Hand hovered back and forth. It was evening now, and the bodies of the three perverts had been discovered. 

The blows to the head had addled their wits quite a bit, and the only one talking was Link, who gabbled about being ambushed by an army of supermodels.

That was when Samus came down in her trademark Chozo armor, the emerald lens glinting. She stood, motionless, in the corner as she always did on gatherings.

"Ah, Samus Aran," boomed the hand from no apparent mouth. "Maybe you know something about these three gentlemen that we don't?"

Samus remained silent.

The giant glove took that as a yes. "What?" the manically loud voice boomed.

Samus remained stoic and emotionless.

Zelda sighed. "Samus, would you please tell me anything you know about why this trio was found unconscious in the hallway outside the bathroom-"

"I was taking a bath," Samus's voice echoed mechanically and genderlessly from within the helmet.

"Aran, that's nice, but how is this relevant-"

"They busted in on me while I was napping in the bath."

"How horrid!" Princess Peach exclaimed, her eyes widening. "Oh, the indignity- wait!"

"You're all boys," a child version of Link chirruped smartly.

There was a silence.

"I'm…" Samus walked over to Young Link. "A…." Young Link's eyes widened as he realized something was out of whack. Samus's hand closed on his collar. "WOMAN!" she screamed it into his face, the force of her anger penetrating through the visor.

The trio suddenly snapped back to reality.

"Yeah, she's a girl, we can assure you that, a very-"

Samus glared through the visor.

"A female humanoid? But you defeated me in a death match, and you prowess as a warrior marks you not as the feminine gender-" Ganandorf was cut dumb and silent as Zelda and Peach rose up and prepared their respective attacks. "-Er, and not as this humble, inferior male sex," he finished meekly as the phazer cannon was aimed at his head.

"I for one do not believe that Link would lower himself," Zelda declared imperiously, "to peer at a woman, no matter how lovely she may be-"

Link nodded vigorously but guiltily as Fox repeated Link's phrases.

Everyone was silent. Nana and Popo began screaming, "Pervert! Pervert!"

Zelda flushed angrily. "Better than what I have?" she demanded.

"Uh, sorry, but it's true-" Falcon began to say.

Samus grappled Falcon and held him up face-to-face.

"Listen you chauvinistic dolt…" she hissed softly and menacingly. "If-"

Falcon smirked. "Congratulations to me, I've just been pulled close by the sexiest woman ever-"

Samus threw him out of sheer disgust. There was a crash in the dining room. "Now if you don't mind, I think I'll go to bed."

"Oo! Can I come too?" Link asked before Zelda pummeled him over the head.

She turned on her heel and returned to her room.

* * *

**_Short Summary:_**

**_Samus is happily taking a nice warm relaxing bath. She falls asleep, leaving the door unlocked._**

**_Captain Falcon, Fox McCloud, and Link stumble in. They don't realize that it's Samus and begin acting all horny and stuff. Link says, "Wow, that's good stuff, even better than the one Zelda has." Samus wakes up and throws vases at them._**

**_They are found unconscious by Master Hand, who calls a meeting._**

**_Samus tells them that they barged in while she was taking a bath, and Peach and Young Link ask why she's so indignant, because they're all boys. Samus explodes and yells that she's a woman, not a man, and throws a temper tantrum. Fox repeats to Zelda what Link said about Samus's "stuff," and Zelda gets angry. Everyone is stunned to realize that Samus is a girl. Link accidently says that she's sexy, and Samus throws another mad tantrum. Falcon backs him up, and Samus grapples him and throws him into the dining room. Then she says, "Good evening, I'm going to bed now." Link says, "Oo, can I come too?" _**

**_And Zelda gets mad at him. _**

**_End of Summary. Thanks for reading!_**


	2. What do girls like?

**_Hereis the actual beginning!It's again, not side-splitting hilarious, but I'll get to that later on, when Master Hand and the Smashers go shopping for Samus, guided by Pink Princess Peach! Oh my. _**

* * *

"Cool!" Young Link prodded the Bo-omb with a grin. It remained asleep, snoozing with a little bubble coming out of its nose. 

Ness was quite proud of himself. "I snitched it from Master Hand's storage room. They're all in this dormant stage- Hey! I have an idea!"

"Is this one of your stupid plans that involves bombs, grenades, us getting blown up and grounded for two weeks?" Young Link asked. Ness nodded.

"Great!"

"Neat!"

"Let's go!"

"I drew the finish line upstairs," Young Link panted.

"I made the start line," Ness cheered. They both took out a Bo-omb and set them at the finish line.

"3!" The Bo-ombs woke up and yawned.

"2!" They both readied to run.

"1!" They readied some more.

"GO!" Both Bo-ombs took off as fast as they could, flying up the stairs.

"Yaaah! Mine's winning!" Ness screamed.

"GO! GO!" Young Link yelled, urging his own charge on.

The bo-ombs caught up even and raced around the corner- right towards a room with the nameplate **Samus Aran…**

Samus sat in her room as the transmittion aired itself, thinking about how horrible the week was going. First the incident in the bathroom, then Falcon's attentions…

Samus sighed. Life was no fair. Just because she was a girl didn't mean…

She sighed. She despised and loathed anything remotely pink. Kirby was her worst nightmare, and the feminine Princess Peach was something pulled out of hell to her. Anything pink with lacey frills and glitter made her sick, and anything that little fairy-princess girls considered hip sent Samus into throes of agony.

And those huge big-eyed plushies!

Once a Space Federation official had sent her a Valentine's Day present the year he realized that Samus was a woman. It consisted of a bouquet of red roses. Samus tolerated them… But then the deliveryman brought out a HIDEOUS giant white stuffed bear with eyes the size of bowling balls! (Samus promptly blew it up in her panic.)

And the bounty hunter was just mulling on her horrible week when the Bo-ombs crashed in.

**_BOOM!

* * *

_**

Master Hand paced (actually floated) in front of the gathered Smashers.

"Young Link, Ness, come forward," the voice growled. Master Hand was obviously very, very angry about something.

All having heard the huge explosion, everyone knew what had happened somewhere. No one noticed that Samus was missing until Falcon asked,

"Where'd the hot babe go?"

"That's exactly what I need to explain," Master Hand said carefully, bottling his rage so that it seemed that at any given moment, the giant white glove would explode and use the remaining energy to implode. "Ness and Young Link are the culprits… I know this might seem shocking to you, but our dear companion and comrade Mr.- Er, I mean Ms. Aran has been sent to the hospital."

"But then who am I supposed to sexually harass and attempt to molest- Er, I mean…" Captain Falcon began, but shut up.

"Because of the unusual circumstances of her injuries, I have no power over her health, and she is expected to make a full recovery within the next two weeks.

But first of all, Ness and Young Link were racing Bo-ombs from my PRIVATE storage," Master Hand sudden roared, sending out a great angry wind. The giant white glove was positively raging now. "AND WE WILL ALL DECIDE A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT! Not only is this a major violation of the Golden Rulebook, but it has caused the underwear model- Er, I mean Ms. Aran, grievous injuries and has destroyed HER ENTIRE ROOM!"

Zelda and Peach both gasped in alarm. "But how's Samus?" they demanded. "Is she okay-"

"Ms. Aran is being rushed to the hospital as we speak. Unfortunately, she did not have her Power Suit on, so the damage is greater than it should have been. She is currently in ICU and in a coma with doctors concerned about her chance of survival- Er, but she's okay! Anyways, I have sent the suit, which was also-" The Hand eyelessly glared at the two children cowering in the corner, "sustained a lot of damage. For now, EVERY match will be postponed, yes Misters Marth and Roy, even the training matches. And you can blame it on those two as we decide the PUNISHMENT!" Master Hand shot a few flying bombs into the hidey-hole of a corner.

"But before we punish, we are all aware that Ms. Aran has not have had a good week at all…" He sighed melodramatically. "I am concerned for the happiness and well-being of all of you. ("Really-a?" Luigi asked. "No-a, it's customary to-a say-a that," his brother assured him.) I propose that, since her room has been destroyed, we'll remake a new one just for her!" A giant cute smiley basically appeared on Master Hand's 'face.'

Everyone cheered, but the jubilation was cut short as Bowser bought up a very good point…

"But," the giant Turtle-like creature rumbled, "What does Samus like?"

"Well... Samus is a girl, right?" Marth asked."What do girls like?"

Everyone was silent.


	3. What they think Samus likes

"Okay, so we have a predicament… We have to make Samus feel better, but how the #$!& am I supposed to know what she likes?" Master Hand asked.

Falcon thought. "She likes _me,_" he offered.

"No, she just wants to blow off your head," Fox quipped.

Falcon looked glum.

"She likes blowing things up!"

"Okay, let's make a list," Peach cheered.

_List of what Samus likes _

1) Her Armor

2) Blowing things up

3) Hunting dangerous criminals

3.5) Going on dangerous missions

4) Blowing things up

5) Her Armor

6) Blowing things up

7) Adam Malkovich ("Wait!" Fox yelled. "Who's Adam Malkovich?" Everyone shrugged, and Master Hand crossed out number seven with a giant pen.

"We're getting-a nowhere," Luigi sighed.

"Hey! I know!" Falcon yelled.

"No, Samus does not like you," Falco and Fox both said at once.

"No… Samus is a girl, right?" Captain Falcon yelled. "So what do girls like?"

"Finally something intelligent out of you!" everyone cheered as Falcon took a bow.

"Peach, Zelda, Jigglypuff, Nana, you're all girls, right?"

Everyone but Nana nodded.

The little Ice Climber looked dubious. She turned to her twin. "Are you Popo or Nana?"

"I'm Popo, so you're probably Nana," her brother replied.

"Okay, I'm a girl!" Nana chirruped.

"Okay, so you four supervise. Tell me, what do girls like?"

"PINK!" Peach said.

"Jewelry, makeup, and lace," Zelda said.

"Pink fluffy things with glittery stuff," Peach said.

"Romantic moonlight walks on the beach- no Link, you've never taken me on one before."

"Pink girly stuff that makes boys want to throw up!" Peach cheered.

"I like stuffed animals," Nana said thoughtfully. "I like big giant fluffy pink and white stuffed animals with little things on their bellies that say 'I love you!' or something.

"I like clothes and stuff!" Peach added as all the girls nodded their heads (or in Jigglepuff's case, her whole body) in agreement.

"Jiggly- jigglypuf, jiggly!"

Everyone was silent as the sickeningly adorable puffball spoke.

"Er… I think-a…" Mario attempted to translate. "She said that she likes pink a lot, she LOVES huge frilly bows, and she likes what Peach does, and that Peach has very good taste in style…"

"Aww, thank you!" Peach blushed as Jigglypuff nodded.

Master Hand finished jotting all this down.

"Okay all of you, let's look inside the girls' rooms to see what girls like!"

* * *

**Next chapter preview- **

_Peach's room was reminiscent of the unloved offspring of a pink pompom and a rhinestone-studded mushroom. The walls were painted a delicate shade of bright pink, the bed was not to be seen under the huge pile of floofy pink lacey pillows, and the various pictures and whatnot adorning the wall were coated in glittery stuff and more pink. The carpet was a hideous shade of girly pink too, and even the well-organized and scented desk was pink..._

Can you imagine Samus in a Peach room? Dun-dun-dun...


	4. Pink and Feminine

Oh my! I'm glad that you're here, on chapter four. In this chapter, we will delve into the minds (actually rooms, but mind sounds more profound and all mysterious) of the girls that shall guide Master Hand. Keep in mind, please, Samus's thoughts from Chapter Two, when she explains that she hates all things pink and/or feminine, stuffed animals scar her for life, and that she loathes all girly things with even a little bit of lace on them. Ah.

_Kyr the d00b- Percisely! Just wait for her to come back from the hospital and find out what's happened to her room! Oh, wait until you see what Master Hand thinks girls like to wear. Pink? Oh my! Aye, good chapter! Fox is slightly perverted? All the guys are slightly (or more than slightly) perverted, my friend! (Smiles) Thank you for reading and reviewing! _

_Soelle- Ah, a new reader! (Does the happy-happy-mako-cookie dance.) You like it? Yays, I'm glad to have you here! I sure hope you stick around!_

_Ptpeach- Wow! Another new reader- I'm glad to have you here, Ms. Ptpeach! Well, to tell you the truth, I'm in highschool and painted my room pink with pretty flower stencils and have a stuffed animal fetish. You like what Peach likes too? Great! I hope we'll be seeing more of you around!_

_Jhon 117- You got that right, Mr. Psychic. There will be explosions, like the ones you predicted, and a bunch of others too! Don't worry, I guarantee much mayhem! (Knocks on the door to the bomb shelter as Samus comes home from the hospital) LET ME IN! LET ME IN!_

* * *

Peach's room was reminiscent of the unloved offspring of a pink pompom and a rhinestone-studded mushroom. The walls were painted a delicate shade of bright pink, the bed was not to be seen under the huge pile of floofy pink lacey pillows, and the various pictures and whatnot adorning the wall were coated in glittery stuff and more pink. The carpet was a hideous shade of girly pink too, and even the well-organized and scented desk was pink. 

And every single thing either had a heart, a mushroom, a fancy flower, or Hello Kitty on it.

"MY EYES!" everyone aside from Master Hand, Kirby, and the girls screamed.

"Wow, I think we've floated into a strawberry," the giant glove commented.

"No, this is my room!" Peach cheered. The girls went into rampants of delight at the sight of the hideously pink, fluffy, glittery, scented, sissy, and feminine room.

"Wow Peach, you've outdone yourself!" Zelda commented.

"You said you liked clothes, right?" Master Hand asked.

(Meanwhile, in the background, the boys were running amok, screaming in agony. Pikachu was the only one smart enough to grab sunglasses and eyedrops.

"Hey, look, Kirby matches completely- hey!" Peach tugged the pink creature out from her secret stash of disgustingly romantic and valentine boxes of heart chocolates.

"WaaAaaah?" Kirby asked piteously, his eyes going big and all watery.

"Aww, you can have it!" Peach squealed. "I forgot how much girls like me adore small furry animals with big freaky staring eyes!"

"I'll write that down!" Master Hand added, whipping his giant notepad and pen out of nowhere. "Girls… Love… Cute animals with big freaky staring eyes…."

Peach opened her closet. It was a good thing that the boys weren't there, or else they would have died of stroke at the feminine frills within the pink closet.

The closet was stuffed full of neatly hung poofy dresses, each one frillier and fancier than the next, until the last one looked like something popped out from a Cinderella-wannabe toddler's coloring book.

"Girls… Love… Pink frilly dresses that look like…" Master Hand wrote down a complete description of the hideously fancy dress. "Okay, thank you Peach!"

"You welcome!" Peach smiled as Mario came crashing from the roof in an attempt to get the feminine prettiness of Peach's room out of his eyes.

"Now on to my room," Zelda declared.

* * *

If one's room represented one, then Zelda and her room were perfect examples. 

It was not cheery and pink like Peach's room, but regal with a huge fancy Victorian-style canopy bed. The carpet was red plush, and the walls were gilded panels. A crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling and the curtains were made out of red velvet.

"I decorated it myself!" Zelda said proudly.

"Hey look!" Master Hand floated over and picked up a magazine with his thumb and forefinger. "A girl magazine!"

"Yes, I love the fashion tips," Zelda mused.

Master Hand turned to the swimsuit page and then the lingerie page.

"Zelda? Do girls like things like this too?" he asked.

Zelda was too busy applying blush on Peach to respond accurately. "Yeah, love that stuff…"

Jigglypuff hopped over. Her already huge blue eyes widened in horror. "Jiggly! Jiggly! Puff! Puff! Puff! Jiggly, jiggly, puff!" _Oh no! That's lingerie! You wear it INSIDE your clothes!"_

But Master Hand took her warnings of impending doom as agreement. "Yes, I'm sure that Samus'll love it too."

Meanwhile…

"Ahh! MY EYES!" Falco screamed. "The only thing pink I can tolerate is pink lasers!"

"What do you mean? That monkey blasted you clean out of the skies!" Fox countered.

Falco was silent.

* * *

Back to the girls, Kirby, and Master Hand…. 

Master Hand added the swimsuits and underwear to his list. "Hmmm… And girls like…"

"Jewelry," Zelda said. "Diamonds are a girl's best friends!"

Master Hand added that to the list. "Uh-huh…"

"My turn," little Nana chirped.

The Ice Climber's room was divided into exactly half, except for the side with the bunk bed on it. Popo's side was blue and pasted with posters of his heroes and "101 Ways to Ice Fish During Summer" (Tip #1- go to the North Pole) on the walls. On both sides, various Inuit weapons hung, but on Nana's side, it was pink and held a bestiary of cute fluffy stuffed animals.

"Girls… Like…. Huge, cute fluffy stuffed animals with eyes the size of bowling balls…" Master Hand wrote.

"Jiggly?" Jigglypuff dearly wanted to show them her room. It was the first time that she had her actual own space outside a cramped-up Pokeball.

"Sorry, but I don't exactly think that you have the same interests as Samus," Zelda said.

Jigglypuff's mouth wavered and she was about to start crying when Master Hand came up with the perfect solution-

"Come on, let's go shopping!"

Everyone cheered, and Jigglypuff forgot that she was supposed to be sad.

"I don't want to go," Falcon whined.

"Me neither!" everyone but the girls and Master Hand whined.

Even Mewtwo, despite his stoic outer layer, had nearly broken down screaming for the forgiveness for whatever he had done to deserve such punishment.

* * *

In case you didn't notice, the girls like everything that makes Samus throw up. And, she's scared stiff of fluffy stuffed animals with eyes the size of bowling balls. 

Thanks so much for reading! I will ask you to review, but don't feel pressured (pressure) to (pressure) leave me a (pressure) review!

Thanks for coming here!

-Mako Streak


	5. To SCSC!

_Sir Loin of Beef- Ah, hello there! A new reader? It's great to have you here. That's a good idea, having Falcon visit Samus in the hospital... Of course, it'll probably end with him being blown out the window or something, but definitely good idea! Thanks! _

_Kyr the D00b- Aye, I agree. Not only that, a bomb shelter wouldn't hurt... Thankfully for Peach and the others, the Varia suit is still in for repairs. To prevent (un)necessary injury or untimely death to our dear Smashers, the Mako the Authoress has to take precautions to assure you that they'll all live long enough to be seeing up their own butts. _

_Soelle- All that pink! You don't like it? Ah, I'm sure that Ms. Aran loathes it more than twice as much as you! Don't worry,it's only a matter of time before Princess Peach goes colorblind with all that pink.But you have to admit, it's cute and fluffy and feminine, no?_

_Jhon 117- Ah! Thank you! (Comes in with bags of vegan snacks) Ah, I can't wait for the show to start either. Don't worry, the explosions and bombs will be coming out soon! Mewtwo, the poor dear! _

* * *

No one except for the girls and Master Hand wanted to go shopping. 

But they all were driven by the guilt to go to Smash City Shopping Center, or SCSC for one reason or another…

_Young Link… (Currently chained with Ness to Bowser and in charge of polishing the spiked shell) It's all mine and Ness's fault that Samus is in the hospital… But it was funny though._

Link… 

_I do owe her for those lewd and rude comments… But she was very sexy though._

_Fox…_

_I feel so sorry for humiliating her by barging into her bath, but I have no regrets._

_Falcon…_

_Maybe she'll go out with me! (Insert all sorts of lewd an perverted comments which I do not dare type out)_

_Bowser…_

_Oh curses, I'm so sorry for asking her to pose for me in a bikini…_

_DK…_

_Me known for kidnapping beautiful maidens! But Ms. Aran no likey being called dead sexy. Ouch._

_Peach…_

_I'm sorry for calling her a man by accident and that all of this happened! But oh golly-gee, I'll make it up to her someway!_

_Zelda…_

_Why do I feel guilty about thinking that Link had a crush on Samus? Seriously, she can't possibly be that beautiful and sexy… _

_Link…_

_It was kinda my fault, because that was my younger self… But even if it wasn't, our victim happens to be an overly beautiful and dead sexy young woman- Oh no, what if someone knew what I was thinking?_

_Mewtwo…_

_Link, that perverted ninny…He never realized I could read his mind. But I am sorry that I hypnotized Captain Falcon to serenade her naked in the middle of the night. But I couldn't resist…_

_Ness…_

_If I don't make it up to her about sending Samus to the Intensive Care Unit in a coma, when she gets back, I'm going to be seeing up my own butt!_

_Pikachu…_

_Pika, pikachu… Chu… Pika, pika!_

_Mario and Luigi…_

_We were supposed to be alert! How could we let this terrible thing happen to our fellow Smasher? _

_Hey, Mario?_

_Yeah?_

_Do you think that Samus is really as sexy as they said?_

_Yoshi…_

_Yoshi, yoshi! Arruuuuuuu!_

_Falco…_

_Samus'll kill anyone who was involved. I was eating breakfast at that time, and somehow that makes me guilty of first-degree attempted murder?_

_Ice Climbers…_

_I think she'll like a nice fluffy teddy bear with eyes the size of bowling balls to cheer her up._

_Maybe Samus'll let me borrow her spaceship?_

_Marth…_

_Oo, I hope that they let me help pick out a swimsuit!_

_Roy…_

_Shivers in excitement This is the first time I'll ever go into a Victoria's Secret with a decent enough excuse!_

_Dr. Mario…_

_Hey, Dr. Luigi._

_Yeah?_

_Do you think that Samus is really as sexy as they said?_

**Wait a minute! There is NO Dr. Luigi! **

Ganondorf… 

_Oo, every villain aspiring to conquer the world needs a few dead sexy minions to do his bidding…sigh I guess I should be sorry about slapping her ass that day._

_Mr. Game and Watch…_

_Beep! Beep, beep, beep! BEEP!_

All of a sudden, the car swerved.

"Crazy! Stop that!" Master Hand yelled.

"Ahahahaheeehee!" Crazy called maniacally as the bus swerved again.

The two monstrous gloves began to wrestle for control of the bus, and all the Smashers gripped their seats and repeated the safety evacuation pre-giant flaming explosion steps mentally. Except for Captain Falcon, who was used to the maniacal swerves and was currently reading the F-Zero Digest. Fox and Falco were also okay, as they were Arwing pilots and used to crazier maneuvers daily than a bus steered by an insane giant hand. Speaking of which, the two were mulling over the pros and cons of Sonic Laser Engines compared to Hyper Speed Model 2xtrme4u.

Finally, there was a crash in the front, and a sizzling, burnt Crazy floated dramatically and pathetically to the back, where he locked himself in the bathroom and didn't come out until the trip was over. Of course, Master Hand had had the walls padded for that reason.

"LAND!" Peach screamed and threw herself out headfirst. "I am NEVER going back there again!"

"Unless if the lady wills it for herself to walk all the way back on foot!" Roy declared.

But Peach ignored him. "Okay, we'll separate into four different squads," she said, pulling out a list. "Twenty-five people, and four of us…" Peach thought.

"I'll take four, you take four, Nana takes four, and Jigglypuff takes four… And five go by themselves."

"I don't trust them really…" Peach whispered dubiously.

"Don't worry… Mario, Luigi, Fox, and Falco, you come with me," Peach said. "And Zelda?"

"Link, and Kirby, Ganondorf, Mewtwo." Zelda nodded.

"Huh?" Nana and her brother were too busy doing a careful study of a large beetle on the sidewalk.

"She'll get Popo, Mr. Game and Watch… Er… Ness, and Young Link. All the kiddies! How does that sound to you?"

"Fine… Eee!" Nana jumped backwards as the beetle took to the skies.

"Jigglypuff… Pikachu, Pichu, Bowser, and Dr. Mario?"

"Jiggly!"

"And that leaves Captain Falcon, Marth, Roy, DK, and Yoshi. You guys can take care of yourselves, right?"

Captain Falcon saluted, and Peach sighed. "Just don't kill anyone… That's what you do before you run off and start a bar brawl in the middle of the store."

"_Eto… Fuarukun-kun wa totemo suyoi des yo, demo… Fuarukun no atama wa…Shoto…"_

"What?"

"_Sigh" _

"Crazy and I'll just wander around. Here are the wallets," Master Hand said.

"Okay! Everyone pick a random list, and let's MOVE OUT!" Zelda punched the air and cheered, and Peach said her annoying, "Sweee-eet!" thing.

* * *

Next chapter: the teams all split up to cover as much ground as possible. Falcon, Marth, Roy, DK, and Yoshi get sent to... _Victoria's Secret?_ Chat-speak wise, WTF?

Thanks for reading!


	6. The Trials Begin!

_Jhon 117- Crazy Hand, eh? Funny kind of guy, don't you think? Well, don't worry, he'll be back soon and causing mayhem and general panic._

_Sir Join of Beef- Oo... I didn't think of getting them kicked out of the bathroom. Another good idea! _

_PtPeach- Yes, Master Hand reserves the right to remain calm at all times. You love reading thoughts? I'm glad to hear._

_Kyr the D00b- Ah, Falcon, Falcon, whatever shall I do with you? (snickers) Yeah, great idea! Sounds like something he would do- mind if I use that one bit, I'll cite you!_

_Mungo Jerry- Gentle reader, please read my PM to you, and as much as I enjoy your advice, this is NOT a serious story. I do love to see people giving great advice, but unfortunately, only the bit about characterization applies. Everything else belongs in a story with an actual plot. SEE MY PM FOR DETAILS, PLEAE._

_Soelle- It's Japanese! Sorry. "Eto… Fuarukun-kun wa totemo suyoi des yo, demo… Fuarukun no atama wa…Shoto…" _**Er... Falcon is very strong, but... His head is... Shoto..."**_And there is no direct translation for Shoto in this case of usage. I'll put in translations this time, sorry about that!_

_Well, anyways, thanks for coming and reading! And I'd appreciate it VERY much if you didn't come here looking for angst, seriousness, and all that other good stuff. This is lame, dirty humor, naughty jokes, sissies, and tomboys. Go read Either Way! if you don't like it.

* * *

_

SCSC (Smash City Shopping Center) was roughlythe size of a small country. The shops were lined up in rows radiating from a center circular square, and the pathways between the rows were neatly manicured lawns and pretty little flowerbeds. The sky was sunny and clear, the clouds were as wispy as fire-flower-caused deep-fried Zelda-hair (whoops, bad analogy), and SCSC was packed.

Oh yeah. Captain Falcon, Marth, Roy, DK, and Yoshi were _clueless._

"_Aiee! TOTEMO KON DE IMAS!" (_Aieee! It's very crowded!) Marth and Roy yelled at the top of their lungs before getting mobbed by a pack of Japanese fangirls.

"Oo, watch out," Falcon commented. Yoshi pointed and laughed as Marth's head appeared above one girl and his neck appeared next to another. The rest of the group started laughing their heads off, until-

"Ook kaa koo! Me sees!"

"That's great DK, you're not blind- Hey!" Falcon started gibbering too… "Me sees…. ME SEES!"

"Yoshi?" Yoshi asked.

"RUN!" Captain Falcon grabbed Marth and Roy in separate hands and raced away, and Yoshi turned into an egg and rolled after him, just in time- skimpily-dressed pubescent fangirls nearly rammed into the captain head on.

"Where to?"

Captain Falcon looked around. Somehow, in the time of extreme crisis, he had been elected honorary leader! "To… Follow me!" With that, he raced (no pun intended) to the nearest _Klein and Calvin_ store, where no girl dared to go.

* * *

"Hmm… Hey, we are in charge of…" Zelda pulled out the oversized list. "Yay! Jewelry, shiny things, and curtains." 

Link mumbled something incomprehensible, and Ganondorf was clutching Link's arm with one beefy hand and sucking the thumb of the other.

Despite their past evils and hatred of each other, Zelda felt sorry for the villain. "Aww, Ganondorf, what's wrong?"

He gibbered a bit and shook his head.

"You don't want to tell us?"

"No."

"Okay, it's all set then! Come on, to the jeweler's!"Zelda proudly led the way to the nearest gem store.

Ganondorf suddenly regained his speech. "I hate diamonds. I'm scared stiff of them."

* * *

In J-C Toys, all the little children plus Mr. Game and Watch (G.W) stared down in wonder and amazement of the never-ending rows and rows of toys. 

"I want one!" Nana announced.

"Beep, beep, eeeeeep!" Mr. G.W said.

"Okay, we'll get Ms. Aran's first, and then I can get one?"

"Me too!"

"I want one too!"

"Iiiieee!" Ness cheered.

The search began. Popo, Ness, Mr. G.W, and Young Link paraded huge bears with huge bows and eyes the size of bowling balls, "Bee Mine, Valentine!" bees with hearts and eyes the size of bowling balls, lovely giant ladybugs that sang when you squeezed their hands and had eyes the size of bowling balls, fluffy things that looked like the offspring of Bowser and a cottonball with eyes the size of bowling balls, and every other plushie that was huge, fluffy, and had eyes the size of bowling balls.

"Well?" Young Link asked, his face red from the extortion of carrying giant plushies eyes the size of bowling balls that were three times his size. The boys were all covered in fluff and shed polyester hair.

Nana, on the other hand, was neat and prim and clean. "Hmmm… All of them! We're done!"

The boys cheered and proceeded to run amok the toy store to pick out fighter jets and various boyish toys.

Now, back to Captain Falcon and the other unsupervised boys.

"We lost them in the cologne department!" Falcon cheered.

"_Hiaku!_" Roy was being carried by Marth and looked deathly-dead. "_Roy-san… Roy-san! Boku wa hikari oh mimas…."_ (Hurry! Roy! Oh Roy, I see the Light!"

"Oh no! He sees the light!" Marth wept. "Oh, Roy, dear Roy, please don't die…."

But Roy turned his head. "Iee-eh, boku wa _den hikari_ oh mimas. Shita no kudasai! Me ga itain des yo!" (…No, I see the electric light. Put me down, it's hurting my eyes.)

"Oh."

"How gay," Falcon said. "Okay, now what's our list… I hope we get the underwear and swimsuit list."

Yoshi snorted. "Yoshi, aruuuuu Yoshi yosh!" (What's the chance of that, horny boy?)

Roy dug in his pocket, showed Marth, and grinned. "Yeah!" They both proceeded to do the victory dance and yelling victory cries. "_Can't you see I am the victor?" "That was a good fight!" _They both looked at each other. "What fight?" Then they continued doing the victory dance in circles.

"That was weird… Anyways, the list! What?"

Roy cheered. The list was a piece of paper saying in neat, meticulous, and giant handwriting, "Girls like lingerie and swimsuits, see Zelda's magazine for reference."

Falcon grabbed Zelda's magazine out of an imaginary pocket and flipped through it. He grinned. "We're gonna have some fun."


End file.
